Pissed off with bad health

Today I woke up fine, but when I was in the shower preparing for work I found a lump in my arm. I used to wear my big watch in my left arm but since yesterday I felt it hurting and I decided to use my right instead. Yesterday I thought this was nothing, but while taking this bath I felt so bad that I started cursing, what the f**k is this again. God forbids that this is a cyst, not another cyst from the one I got extracted 5 yrs ago.

Pissed off. Perfect description, exactly what I feel. Who wouldn't be?

Wouldn't you if, during your youngster you were asthmatic? That you wanted to become a basketball player but couldn't grow up as a normal kid? But thanks God, I am healed since High School.

Wouldn't you if, for the past decades you have been easily infected by flu? sore throats? allergies? and a lot more minor illnesses. But thank you Lord for healing me once again.

Wouldn't you if, last year you have learned you have an 18 degrees of sculiosis? That almost the whole of the year you have suffered back pains? That only in your 27th year you have learned that you have this? Thank you again God. Thank you spas around Metro Manila for the weekly therapy that I pay for. Thank you my employer for the hand that sustains me.

Wouldn't you if, this year was a real pain? Mid-year, I have suffered allergies that is caused by air? Imagine that, it's air! So after a month, I'm rid of those. Thank you Lord again. Thank you dermatologist in Makati Med. Thank you for an expensive vitamins that 25% of my salary for 15days was halfed.

What else? This is the one that crossed the line. Wouldn't you if, since late July you have been suffering from gastritis? I have been thru doctors with or without specializations, discounting the fact that my elder sister is a doctor. 2 Gastroenterologists I have been through, 1st from my sister's colleague in Angeles city, and most recently in Makati Medical Center. Two mondays ago, Oct 27, 2008 at the Makati Medical Center, I have gone thru my 2nd endoscopy in six years. Who wouldn't if you have been suffering of stomach pains for the past 3 months? Thank you again my God for a favorable result, no ulcers, no bacteria, purely chronic gastritis that has been in my stomach for a long time. I'm not yet fully recovered from this, but then, I'm so afraid I would have another health challenge to face. Damn it! Am I so screwed up to deserve all this? Perhaps, my stomach pains I admit, due to my great love for alcohol with emphasis to my drinking sessions with the Englishmen of London late last year to the 1st quarter of this year. Other than that, do I deserve all this pain?

I have prayed this morning and for the past 3 days. Don't get me wrong, I was regarded as someone prayerful but has ceased to do so since last month. In fact I belong to a Catholic Charistmatic community Ang Lingkod Ng Panginoon. I actually have a blog about it here: "http://yaj10.multiply.com/journal/item/13/Ang_Lingkod_Ng_Panginoon_-_Makati_at_Shutterfly.com".

I told God this morning: Where are you Lord? Have you been listening to me or even hearing me? I have prayed for a lot of people and most of them were granted, how about mine? Isn't it simple that I just want a healthier life? What else?

I'm a so pissed off..

Nevertheless, I read on to my daily reflection guide. Max Lucado even said that "God loves you dearly". He knows that someday you'll be drawn away from Him, but He has already prepared your way back. Another joke from my Big God. What is this again Lord?

A few days ago, a friend of mine whom I will hide in the name of MJ, though she's a girl, sent me a canned SMS. Here it goes:
The strongest people have the worst problems..
The worst trials..
The worst situations..
It's not because God wants them to suffer..
But it's because God trusts them so much He gave them something He knows they can overcome.
Be thankful for God's trials! They are His gifts to strong people.

I replied, thank you. Given the choice, I would chose to be weak. This is not the usual me, rather the effect of my deepest emotions. When would this end? When will I be the usual me? I do not know nor do I know when God will speak to me and explain to me what's happening. I need to talk to Him, I know, but I am so stubborn I don't feel like it.

Wondering what she replied? She's animated so it's amusing. MJ: "But you don't have a choice, so, BE STRONG!"

Thinking if I have friends to guide me? Yes, I do. A lot of them, they are real friends but I'm keeping this to myself that is why. And to my best of friends Louie and Glenn, only Glenn knows but we haven't got the time to talk. I don't want to bother them as well and my problems might even sound nothing and perhaps, they don't have the answer..only God have the answer. Or if you believe you are God's messenger for me, please, I beg you, send me a comment or a PM.

I hope that soon, I'll be perfectly healthy and be like Max below:

Max Lucado:
"I chose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it only be of praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I demand, may it only be of myself."

Please pray for me.

Sincerely,
Jay