Apologies on my behavior

Yesterday was a time that I have wrote one of my worst emotions. I feel bad having said them now because in one way or another it gives negative impact on the readers and drains them too.

I apologize for having infected you in anyway of my negative energies. It was just too much to bear for me not to be mad nor to speak up even if it just in this blog.

I had tears yesterday, and more today as I have read comments on my blog.
It is true I have not sought God in my weaknesses for a lot of weeks now because I have decided too.

A moment ago, one of my contacts expressed her gratitude on what she has read on the homepage of my multiply site. It is a shame that it looks like I really have multiple personalities and I am not what I preach. My homepage looks like this:

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

I have forgotten, I decided to.
I am in my painful moments, trust God?..I know this by heart, but there are things I could not understand and will never will because I am only human. It's so difficult to trust when things happen repeatedly not for a time, but in my whole lifetime of 28yrs.

There was a saint (forgot who) who prayed: "Lord, is this what you reward your friends?"

The Jay before to his friend: "Be humble, things happen repeatedly. Trust God, for His plans are for your welfare but we just can't understand it now, but time will come we will." The Jay now, unbelieving even to the very words coming out of him. Perhaps, I'm given a dose of my own medicine. Should I say the same? Lord, is this what you reward your friends?

I guess I am on the brink of crossing back to the past Jay, I am getting there. If there's any different with my past or if there's anything to thank for, I can still afford my medicines without asking for help with my mom. Thank you to Citibank credit card. LOL! I also have rebates from Mercury Drug from using it. Undoubtedly, this is the year that I have spent a lot for medicines considering I am so young to be sick. My rough estimate, from the period of July to date, it's around 30k Php. I only need to add 4k and I can get my 18-200mm VR Nikkor lens which I would gladly trade for a better health but none of it was given unto me.

Am I too selfish to think of myself so much? Today I am willing to. I am even willing to use my power over the weaklings. I no longer care. I will bully my way in and out of the MRT now (hahaha, just for the heck of it.). Perhaps I should be rude, cruel, relentless and unforgiving. A gentle giant no more. What I'm trying to point out is if your good, then worst things happen. Let me try the contrary, perhaps I will be in good health.

What wrong have I done to be sick all the time? Drinking too much alcohol, yes I rightfully deserve to have stomach pains, but for the rest? Nil, zip, null!

Too bad all that I write is anger, sarcasm, and the like. Sick, the most used word in my blog! woooh! Haha! As I informed my best friend ( I got 2 but informed only the one who's in better health, the other one is also sick!), I was almost in tears in SM MegaClinic yesterday after office. I felt uncomfortably because there are people around, not discounting that I am male, 6 feet and 220lbs. To make things more weird herein, I am glad the surgeon thinks it is not a cyst. Sigh of relief. Sorry I have said the f*** thing. What is the lump then? Well, it is superfacialthromboflavitis. I'm not sure if I spelled it right but it was caused by the 2 syringe in my left arm 2 weeks ago. The 1st one was due to the intraveneous medicines given to me Sunday Oct 26 and the 2nd one for the dextrose of my endoscopy procedure, Oct 27. It was explained that due to clotting of blood or to that effect, there have been an inflammation in my veins which usually heals by itself. Simple because healing on me does not come naturally, I had it and I need antibiotics, sigh, again. I would like to believe that the 1st syringe was the root cause as it badly hurt afterwards and has caused some tenderness in my arm a few days after. Oh well, I hope that even I'm negative and the like you could pick up something good.

-Jay-