A big yet humble God

I write because I want to. I write because I have no one to turn to. I write because I believe no one will ever have the right words that I need to hear. I do not tell my friends about this because this my own battle, not theirs and I am sorry for perhaps I might even be misunderstood.

Since October, I have hardly prayed. That is right, I am trying to be a good son of God but I am living otherwise. I am not proud of this but I am full of emotions these days. Why? I'm not in the mood to re-type or be redundant, you could just read the following in consecutive order:

http://jayfrancisbromero.blogspot.com/2008/11/pissed-off-with-bad-health.html

http://jayfrancisbromero.blogspot.com/2008/11/furious.html

http://jayfrancisbromero.blogspot.com/2008/11/apologies-on-my-behavior.html

(FYI: a few months ago I was so hurt when I learned that someone said: I am a man of God but living otherwise. Seems right today, however, whoever you are, you still lose. You're only intelligent and I am wise. The only thing you deserve from me is 'dedma-tology'.)

If there good news it would be that I prayed sincerely last sunday. When was the last time I can hardly recall. Probably at the 1st week of last month. To set the record straight I did not even pray for myself but for a friend who was in the ER of Medical City. It amazes me how I could be like a doctor, have you ever experienced telling someone thrice in a row, I had that before and you shouldn't worry. Damn! This is really too much for me. A few months ago this friend of mine got vertigo. I told him, you should be fine. Just a little rest and you'll be back because I had that before when I was in college and during my first year in the workforce. Then a couple of months after, he had another back pains. The usual me, encouraging him, I had that before. Until Sunday evening I learned he was in the hospital, I said the magic word again. Migraine? That is really pesky, it won't be off for a time. I had that before you shouldn't worry about the pain, you think a lot that's why. Let me tell how my other conversations with this friend went. J is me and T is him:

T - Bro, please pray for my speedy recovery. I'm in..and so it goes.

J - Sige Bro, I will try to pray., para sayo susubukan ko.

J - I forwarded your sms to our friends, perhaps they can pray for you better than I am.

T - Don't try, pls do.

J - ok, sige na nga. Will pray and pray for you.

G - Salamat, I can sense how deeply emotional you are right now. But I realized that the more we should cling to Him amidst the storms coming our way.

J - ok thanks. (so cold.) Let me know if you need me jan sa ospital.

....

And so T was discharge later that night which was good.

Continuing from my yesterday's writing this was first titled: My Life's Ordeal, Where art thou God? But things change really fast and so the retitling is neccessary. From where I left off I go back to Monday. I was alone but supposed to watch Madagascar but unable to do so because of my 10pm call from the office. I sent T an SMS asking how he is and it sounds good that he is getting better. This didn't stop me to be emotional on God. Expressing my disappointments in violent speech and killer looks. I asked, I have prayed for a lot of people and most of them you've given. I had so much faith in you that I claim you are the great healer of the sick especially those with terminal illness, even mentioning the truths of your word like Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." How will I be able to say that again if I myself doesn't get well? Too many questions and disgusts cloud my mind. Should I say the inverse for me not to be subjected to test? I did, if not almost did put God to the test. Perhaps I am like the runaway prophet, though I am not as righteous nor do I consider myself even close to it.

Wednesday morning I was in good mood to reflect, pondering I was struck by 2 Corinthians 12:9 even without opening my bible. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I felt the storm calm down on me, the lion heart being tamed. Then it was time for me to go to work. Unfortunately, I felt pains of my chronic gastritis in my stomach again so I was back to being an emotional son to God the Father. Well, I really don't understand you.

Evening came and I was alone in my room, post processing my huge backlog of photos. Skipping the details of the other occurences, I realized last night that:

In the millions of my problems and health concerns, I am still blessed.

I may not be well, but I am provided well by Him for my medicines. An employer for an HMO. The concern and compassion of my friends, online buddies, my sister Noreen, my mother and my D60-joke. Hahaha.

I may have been sickly but I can play physical basketball and smashing it up in badminton.

I may always be sick but not with a terminal one.

I may be down but not a loser.

I am a contradiction in a million ways, but faith is my only hope. A few months before I have comforted my friend thru this verse "Romans 5:3-5. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." and my new found wisdom thru Him.

I am ashamed that I was not able to live up to the strong faith that I used to have. I am ashamed to my friend whom we prayed for last September if she will read this. I am ashamed on Him. Ashamed to the fact that I rant, rant, rant, angry, angry, angry and yet He was silent. Not even bragging on why I still breathe, why I am capable of buying my expensive medicines, to press the trigger of my camera and more.

Discounting my other health issues, I am entirely at fault with my stomach pains. I have enjoyed the root cause anyhow. Given the chance to go back time, I won't think twice to do it again. Pints after pints of Stella Artois, glasses after glasses of bubbly champagne and shots after shots of whisky, I have enjoyed for free in marvelous London. Without a doubt I enjoyed it, perhaps it is the city of all types of beer, the lager, the foster, the sanmigs, my favorites stella-perhaps the best beer in the world and more. The yuletide season there is flooding with alcohol instead of food in contrary to Filipino tradition. I won't forget, me and my clients went down to HA Bar after lunch of December 18, 2007 to be merry with new VPs and drink all day.

Another notable part is to have a drink with a lovely lady, though worlds apart we are right now, I won't forget that 1 big kiss I gave her.

I asked her out but she's got a boyfriend, true or not it doesn't matter. It was a delight to have been told: "I appreciate how gentleman you are and for treating me nice."

To conclude, let us enjoy life! Problems may shake us, but God's grace is sufficient enough for you and me. We may differ in our own debacles, but rest assured you are blessed by the Hand of God. Like the footprints in the sand..You may not see Him but He is there. Sulking and dwelling in the negative will drown us to insanity. Let us change our view point and focus on the good. It will be difficult at times and be sure that I'll experience spiritual dryness again and give up but God never gives up on you and me. Focus and count on your blessings, we only have one life to live in this earth, so make it count.

One day, we'll see each other in Heaven, dressed in white with all the angels and saints but only Jesus is dressed in red, soaked in blood because He changed place with us.

Cheers,

Jay

PS, thank you for all those who have shown concern and compassion. To JLR, Glenn, Stitch, Joken, blsm, Louie, Bubut and Celina, you are God's instruments, thanks a million.